Things Desi Parents Think Are Okay But Are NOT

In our deeply traditional and so-called cultured country, a lot of unacceptable things that Desi Parents Think Are Okay But Are Not have been normalized. From hitting your kids to implanting discriminatory ideologies in them, the root cause of our broken society starts from parents’ negligent behavior that they very well carry on in their child’s life till the time they die. ‘Tough love’ is a favorite among Indian parents.

‘Traditional Indian parenting’ or ‘conservative mom & dad’ are terms loosely thrown around in India to uphold and normalize acts of suppression and child abuse, carried out for decades in familial structures. And as lovely as it is making and enjoying memes and videos about the toxicity of the current parental behaviors, an active discussion regarding the same needs to happen, not only to save the current generation but also to save the future ones.

THINGS DESI PARENTS THINK ARE OKAY BUT ARE NOT

THE THREAT AND PRACTICE OF ABUSE

“Maar padegi” is a common phrase used in many Indian households as a means of discipline for a child but all it has are negative impacts. Telling a kid or a teenager that you will hit them for a mistake they made or actually going through with your threat not only instills a sense of fear in them but also makes them lose a tiny shred of love for you.

Corporal punishment has never proved effective and never will as your kid is not understanding their mistake or getting disciplined rather they are learning what kind of behavior they should endure in their life, be it from their friends or partners. In a way, you are doing nothing but actively promoting violence as a way to deal with problems in life that is inevitably harmful to your kids’ mental health and their peace.

THE TAG OF WORTHLESSNESS

Many times in life your kid will fail. He/She will look at you for help but as noticed in many Indian households you are more likely to turn them away and make them feel like a failure. From my personal experience, I’ve had my own parents call me worthless and imply that my future was empty rather than help me stand back up which is what I needed the most at that time.

My ‘liberal’ parents became the sole cause of my incompetence not only because they were not supportive of my decision but because they thought constantly tell me how worthless I am as a form of tough love would miraculously help me. The truth stays the same. Making your child feel like a failure. Telling them that they are not worthy of success. Making them feel stupid. It will break your child in more ways than one and it will be too late before you realize what you did wrong.

TALKBACK WALK BACK

My mother always said that every time I tried to explain or defend myself I was being the most disrespectful kid that ever walked this planet. I always asked why. It never made sense to me. Every story has two sides or as Robert Evans said there are three sides to every story.

But things don’t work that way here, right? As parents, you always have to be right. As parents, you know what your kid needs. What if you’re wrong? Maybe you don’t know your kid as well as you think you do. My parents didn’t. It wasn’t because of secrets rather it was because they never listened to me.

And when they did, they didn’t understand. Every single time you criticize your kid for taking a stand. Every single time you want your kid to be subservient and not independent. You are pushing them away yourself. You think talking back is disrespectful. But it’s not. They just want to be heard. Are you giving them that?

DOCTOR OR ENGINEER

In India, many professions don’t get the respect they deserve. They are undermined under the glory of green professions like medicine and engineering. Most of you will try to or have already pushed your kids towards these professions partly because that is all you know and partly because they have a higher probability of making your kid rich.

Even though our country is moving towards the development of once unappreciated professions it hasn’t changed how they are looked upon. Kids wanting to build their life around their passion are considered immature and chances are you have done the same to your kid. Undermined their knowledge because want to move forward is something you didn’t choose for them.

Generations have changed. If you push your kid to become a doctor or an engineer to prove to your friends and relatives that your kid is smart, it is going to do nothing but destroy your child’s life in a way that can’t be fixed.

SUPERFICIAL RESPECT‘

‘Log kya kahenge?’ The infamous statement is used by parents when their kids step out of the narrow path of life they have designed for them. A guilt trip used to make us, as their kids believe that what matters most is not what we think we can and want to do rather what others have to say about it.

That other people’s opinions matter more than our own judgment. As parents, you’ve grown to believe that the superficial respect earned from insignificant people matters more than what your child wants in their life.

Also Read: The Desi ways of Down-bringing

To you, instead of learning from their mistakes, your kid should be afraid to even make a mistake for who knows what people will say and how it will affect you. Instead of putting your kids first, you are putting your superficial respect and your social standing first inevitably leading you to treat your kid as an object and not a human being.

SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE

In most South Asian cultures including ours something as important as choosing our own life partner is not our choice rather something that belongs to our parents as a whole. Even when we become an adult and financially independent, we still don’t get the freedom to make big life-altering decisions like that of our marriage on our own. When all our power is taken away by our parents it becomes a form of emotional abuse that leaves scars on us that go unseen.

As parents, it is your duty to make your kid feel loved and not pressured to be obedient to you, no matter what decision you make. Like your kids, we have a right to make our own choices and not owe you anything. Your understanding is the key to a happy family life and not our subservient behavior to make you happy.

Let go of your kids and let them be their own person. Don’t make them into another you. Give them the space to make their own mistakes. To be who they are. Not subservient. Independent.